These descriptions come from an article I posted a link to recently. The separate descriptions helped me. The middle one is my stb xH. Its a tricky one, and one that is easy to feel sorry for, and easy to be shocked by. Yes, the extremes in attitude and reaction are shocking.
The three subtypes of narcissism:
Grandiose/malignant narcissists: "Exploit others with little regard for their welfare." They have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, feel privileged and entitled, have little empathy, put their own needs first and tend to be critical and controlling of others.
Fragile narcissists: Experience alternating feelings of grandiosity and inadequacy. They tend to be unhappy, critical of others, anxious, envious, competitive and have extreme reactions to perceived slights or criticism.
High-functioning/exhibitionistic narcissists: Are "grandiose, competitive, attention seeking and sexually seductive or provocative." They tend to be highly articulate, energetic and goal-oriented.
I think mine is the middle one - but darned if he doesn't have some of number one also - though he isn't really outwardly malignant. I think also - that he has some of that 'baby' in him as well.
I was talking to him the other day about how I no longer felt that I could go on with him because I was being so completely neglected... he got really really sad, tucked his chin and everything. Then, he snapped and said, "I get the clue, you don't want to live with me anymore." I validated myself by saying, "With things the way they are going, you are correct. I don't see why anyone would want to."
It's just all so maddening. I'm still so frustrated by the fact that though his opinion of me is obviously low - I am so much smarter than he is - because I have reasonable thinking! He is a smart guy, and I do admire his ability to get what he needs done (for himself, career - but never for family or me) -- however -- finding that he'll never just snap out of it is really difficult to take!
Psychopathy Checklist Hare's PCL-R 20-item checklist is based on Cleckley's 16-item checklist, and the following is a discussion of the concepts in the PCL-R:
1. GLIB and SUPERFICIAL CHARM -- the tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Psychopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A psychopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.
2. GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH -- a grossly inflated view of one's abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Psychopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.
3. NEED FOR STIMULATION or PRONENESS TO BOREDOM -- an excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Psychopaths often have a low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.
4. PATHOLOGICAL LYING -- can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.
5. CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS- the use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one's victims.
6. LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT -- a lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one's victims.
7. SHALLOW AFFECT -- emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.
8. CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY -- a lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.
9. PARASITIC LIFESTYLE -- an intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.
10. POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS -- expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.
11. PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR -- a variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.
12. EARLY BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS -- a variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.
13. LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS -- an inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.
14. IMPULSIVITY -- the occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.
15. IRRESPONSIBILITY -- repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.
16. FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS -- a failure to accept responsibility for one's actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.
17. MANY SHORT-TERM MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS -- a lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.
18. JUVENILE DELINQUENCY -- behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.
19. REVOCATION OF CONDITION RELEASE -- a revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.
20. CRIMINAL VERSATILITY -- a diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes.
I checked off 18 out of the 20 :(
'guess mine's more Psychopath than Narcissist :(
I dont consider myself addicted.
I consider myself a persaon who fell in love...with real emotion, real commitment, real empathy, real flexibility and generousity and vulnerability.
To twist my brain around to understand that I and everything I felt was real, but it was for someone who was not, and whose emotions were not real is a process I havent quite figured out yet.
The forgiveness I got, thank gawd...the death of love...I havent.
I dont consider that addiction.
I am beginning to suspect its something spiritual, maybe the entire NPD problem is a spiritual problem. I dont know yet.
If your child was a N or S, you might distance yourself from them, so that they couldnt hurt you or pollute your life anymore, but I highly doubt it would make the love you have for them go away. Thats how my heart's in it...a love that doesnt just go away because the person's toxic.
even though it was still difficult, painful, hard to endure and negatively impacting my life...being angry and hateful was easier than this.
That boggles my mind.
But then just like every other part of this experience, nothing is going as I wanted, planned or was prepared for it to go.
And everything you wrote about the Angie spirit having gone away...I find is true for me too...everything.
I'd love to hear any and all advice for finding the joy and spirit of life again. I've had about enough of this....yanno?
kerfluffle - I totally understand where you are and it's painful for me. I am trying to resign myself and it's killing the spirit that is Angie. I have always been the outgoing, happy, hopeful, romantic, social, future/goal oriented person and it's gone. I SO long to fall in love again and rebuild a future - I want someone I'm excited to talk to and see again - I so want someone who feels mutually. But, I have been giving up and attempting to actively resign - if I don't expect, then I don't hurt. I am not even sure IF I can truly "feel" again - I really haven't had anything that really makes me feel that real happy feeling - does that make sense? I feel that I've turned into a shell and I am finding that I don't even care - I just need to accept my lot in life and just accept that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. But I'm believing that because I'm 54, and the reality is that I just don't have the time...
That being said, you don't have the age issue and you CAN'T resign yourself to the same - PLEASE! Put it on the back burner, but don't resign. I do think that love has a way of finding us when we're not actively looking and, really, when we least expect it - just don't resign, okay?
crystalrose - I am so glad for your clarity and strength! It is easy in the beginning of the recovery process to use the "mad" to put distance between, and I think seeing the real issues is key to your recovery. I will caution you to remain vigilent - it won't always be easy to rebuff his attempts to manipulate and he probably will continue for a while. If you read Phoenixx's struggles, you'll see that while she completely understands, she has her moments where it's difficult to stay tough (because she's got a good heart). I am happy that you are strong enough now, I just want to be sure that you steel yourself for "onslaughts" in the future - mine, after a year of being broken up, started calling again about 2 weeks ago (he's done this several times, but not for this long without giving up) and is still doing so - sometimes it's just once a day or two, sometimes it's 10-12 times a day. I haven't picked up and don't intend to, but I've always feared his rages and that makes it tough. Point is, yours may suddenly reappear and if you are prepared, you will be better able to withstand.
Mine was also a combination of all...with a hefty dose of "fragile" thrown in there. Somehow he always seemed like the victim. I think the most difficult thing to deal with was not knowing who the real "he" was. You feel sorry for them one minute...the next minute they make you furious! Glad to be off that exhausting roller coaster ride. It's been a month now, and I feel like little by little I'm coming back to reality, and truth. He still tries to manipulate and play mind games from afar. I'm now able to see right through these games and see them for what they are. Very pitiful indeed!
nobody says ya gotta 'date' so dont.
I know wot ya mean tho!
I personally am resigned, and happilly so. The whole 'wen your not looking' love will knock you out schtuff - yeeahh right - in dreams maybe, and I guess you never know, but lets get real, I think i have, i dont want need or expect anyone any more. And I certainly aint lookin! And i think my walls are automatically up anyway, having been married for as long as i was and no natural flirt - cant be bothered - so non susceptible and well protected I reckon. Its a nice place! Less greivances than any of my partnered friends - no luuurving, but hey, look where luuurving got me, I can live without it!
And am good enuff, prob better than ever been, time will tell,
I suppose the longer I put it off, the longer I get to have an excuse not to risk intimacy again...cuz frankly, I dont feel like I could tolerate it myself now.