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Victim Mentality

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http://polynate.net/books/freedom/victim.html

Path to freedom: Overcoming the victim mentality

The victim mentality:
It wasn't my fault!

Confronting the victim mentality

A victim mentality is one where it is always someone else's fault for bad things happening to you. Further than this, it can be an expectation that things will go wrong, because `bad things always happen to me'. A victim blames others for their circumstances - when something happens, they don't take responsibility for their actions.

The most effective way to overcome the victim mentality is to start taking responsibility for every action and circumstance in your life - as you seek in every possible way to take responsibility for your life, you will begin to see that: Although I cannot control my circumstances, I can always control my response!

When we embrace this attitude, life's circumstances will no longer control us, because we have been freed to choose how to respond!
Dealing with the victim mindset

Victims tend to see the control and responsibility for their situations as belonging to others, i.e. the bad things that happen to them are always someone else's fault. This is a destructive mindset, as not only does the victim feel negatively about their current situation, but they also feel powerless to change it.

Victor Frankl survived the Nazi death camp at Auschwitz by discovering the ultimate freedom "to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to chose one's own way."

Frankl said "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." Covey, in his book, "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People", describes this ability to choose our response as his first habit, "Be Proactive".

Covey describes two concentric circles, the inner for influence and the outer for concern. Proactive people focus on the things they can control (the circle of influence) and their influencce grows. Victims focus on what they cannot control (things outside the circle of influence but in the circle of concern) and their circle of influence shrinks.
Transition to healthier thinking

The victim surrenders power over their life to others -- their life is driven by their environment. Proactive people's lives are driven by the values they employ in how they choose to respond. Victims can often be bound by unforgiveness; as Corrie Ten Boom said, "Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me." Releasing others for their failings and accepting responsibility for our own futures is often the required path forward from a victim mentality.

Victims can feel they have certain rights that the world owes them, and are disappointed or angry when the world doesn't deliver. They tend to feel very strongly about "their rights" and they way things should be done for them. Contrast this "in-bound" worldview with Peter Drucker, who discusses his life/work approach in "The Effective Executive." His focus is not "what can I get?", or even "what can I achieve?" but rather "what can I contribute?"
© Copyright 1997-2006, Nathan Bailey, All Rights Reserved. Permission is granted to print these articles for personal use, in whole or in part, provided the extract references the original URL, http://polynate.net/books/freedom/, so that people can find the latest version.

susiejo
created Nov 19 '07

241 replies

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CURIOUS! I haven't posted here in a while, what happened? Who's post was erased and why?

Mariel Lee

mariel lee
created Mar 30 '08
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Some of these responses violate the forum guidelines. I have and will continue to remove people from the group who violate them. The past drama is over and isn't a topic for discussion here and will result in immediate removal from this group.

wastedyouth
created Mar 24 '08
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I am off to Easter with my #1 abuser, daddy........We will see how this goes!
All his "favorites".....Easter...........Religious and a Holiday
Ouch!......Children.........Yuck!.........at my in-law's country club which is
Catholic........Double yuck!!............Not being in control and able to talk
about atheism...........Don't know what he is going to do or say.........But I
have my armor on.........and I am ready to be Joan of Arc at any given turn. I
will not let him make snide, ambient remarks to me..........I will just walk
away.......I look beautiful, as I always have, and I am intelligent, as I have
always been.......My soul is the most stunning part of my body.......It
glistens......It will never be stolen by another human being.

>From: ThePhoenixxx >
>Date: 2008/03/23 Sun PM 12:57:30 CDT
>To:
>Subject: Re: [npd] Victim Mentality

>

bup
  • bup
  • -2 care points
created Mar 24 '08
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Most narcissists have first-hand experience of abuse. They just decide to
react to abuse by becoming abusers themselves. They sort of identify with
their abuser and internalize her. Kind of a magnified Stockholm Syndrome
(Trauma Bonding).

Sam

----- Original Message -----
From: "ThePhoenixxx" >
To: >
Sent: Sunday, March 23, 2008 8:08 PM
Subject: Re: [npd] Victim Mentality

samvaknin
created Mar 24 '08
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then sadly, maybe you understand what I was saying

thephoenix101
created Mar 24 '08
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- perhaps something aout you saying I'm Theresa, something about whether
your mother was a N, something about why you agree or disagree that
Nsurvivors know what they know based solely on their experience, something
about the reason you're questioning whether I am a trained therapist or not.

Sam:

Regarding my mother, she surely was mentally ill (read the short fiction I
referred you to), but:

Only a qualified mental health diagnostician can determine whether someone
suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and this, following
lengthy tests and personal interviews. Click on these links to learn more:

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq34.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/1.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/npdglance.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq82.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faqpd.html

samvaknin
created Mar 24 '08
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Sam,

I'm not sure what's going on here. I feel like we're speaking different languages to one another. I'm not understanding anything of what youre getting at, and I dont see any direct responses to anything I've said.

Would you be so kind as to tell me what your points are, what you want me to understand thats in relation to what I posted? I dont want to give up yet on you having something engaging to contribute.

- perhaps something aout you saying I'm Theresa, something about whether your mother was a N, something about why you agree or disagree that Nsurvivors know what they know based solely on their experience, something about the reason you're questioning whether I am a trained therapist or not.

Otherwise this isn't really a conversation and we're not engaging in any meaningful dialogue with each other...not for me, not for you.

thephoenix101
created Mar 24 '08
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Hi, Phoenix,

I am a rather stereotypical narcissist. But my book - Malignant Self Love -
Narcissism Revisited (now in its eighth, revised, impression) and the
content of my Web site:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com

are based on correspondence since 1996 with hundreds of people suffering
from the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (narcissists) and with thousands
of their family members, friends, therapists, and colleagues.

Pathological narcissism is a reaction to prolonged abuse and trauma in early
childhood or early adolescence. The source of the abuse or trauma is
immaterial - the perpetrators could be parents, teachers, other adults, or
peers. Pampering, smothering, spoiling, and "engulfing" the child are also
forms of abuse - see these:

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/narcissismglance.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/journal42.html

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php/type/doc/id/419

I wrote about my childhood here:

Nothing is Happening at Home

http://gorgelink.org/vaknin/wronghome-en.html

The Butterflies are Laughing

http://gorgelink.org/vaknin/butterflies-en.html

Janusz Courts Dina

http://gorgelink.org/vaknin/janus-en.html

Take care.

Sam

----- Original Message -----
From: "ThePhoenixxx" >
To: >
Sent: Sunday, March 23, 2008 6:54 PM
Subject: Re: [npd] Victim Mentality

samvaknin
created Mar 24 '08
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Bup,

I dont know what to say, I've had that experience to. It was soul killing, it was a form of self-mutilation that I dont hope we ever revisit.

thephoenix101
created Mar 24 '08
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Sam,

I'm not sure what you're getting at since you're not being clear. If you felt what Iwas writingwas a criticism of you then you're mistaken. I edited the wording to be more precise.

If you, like Gaye Dalton are accusing me of being Theresa Reynolds/Courage/??? then we have aproblem.

I am me...not Theresa.

In my soul I'm an artist always have been. I have learned inmy lifetime how to be a mother, how to be a teacher and have done therapist training, although (I'll restate this for perhaps the 6th time now) I dont work as a therapist, I use my training in the career I already love and feel impactful in.

What any of that has to do with my thoughts and feelings about knowledge coming from experience I'm not sure, but feel free to spell it out for me.

I'm not looking for conflict, I was, in fact, supporting and affirming other Nsurvivors experiences and knowledge.

Sam, are you the survivor of a N? I know you claim childhood abuse, but would you say your mother was a N? Then maybe you know what I am talking about, without having to confirm it in your scholarly research?

thats all I'm contributing at this moment.

thephoenix101
created Mar 24 '08

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